I am a stupid poopyhead idiot.
For those who know me, this is a self-evident statement, on par with “Bears defecate in the woods” and, “Pizza is good.” But for those who don’t know me, allow me to give you a case in point.
This afternoon my lovely and talented daughter, the Fair Maid Hannah Beth, was due to perform a vocal selection for one of her college classes. We (I and the rest of the family) had driven over from Birmingham, Alabama to Jackson, Mississippi to watch her perform this piece in the afternoon, and then see her perform in a production of Cinderella tonight. She’s the step-mother. (She’s not wicked, just misunderstood.)
Unfortunately, at the time the Fair Maid was set to perform, I had an appointment with a university administration official to discuss tuition for the next semester (we are having a small disagreement to the tune of approximately $14,000). So I was in a dilemma: watch my daughter perform and be late for — and possibly forfeit altogether — my opportunity to resolve this tuition problem, or miss her performance and hopefully save a few thousand bucks. We are not wealthy, so I chose to keep the appointment and miss the performance.
See what I mean? Stupid poopyhead idiot.
I had no idea it meant so much to my daughter that I watch her perform until I saw her afterwards and she broke down in tears. That is not an excuse — it’s a confession as to just how clueless and moronic I can be. Her tears crushed me, and brought me to tears. I held her tightly in my arms and confessed that I had failed her, and am so very, very sorry. I would now pay many thousands of dollars to be able to hear that performance. But the opportunity is, of course, lost forever. I told her that I couldn’t fix it, but I would make it up to her.
I know, and am forever grateful, that Jesus forgives me of my jackassery. And my magnificent daughter has also forgiven me (I think!). But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, but the condemnation ringing in my head from my own soul is deafening and soul-crushing. I look to the Cross for forgiveness from God. Where do I look for self-forgiveness?
I believe it might be one of the hardest things we have to do.
